( published Cape Cod Times 2003)
As more and more baby-boomer teachers approach retirement age, school districts are beginning to try some non-traditional approaches to recruiting staff to fill the vacancies. While offering bonuses and inducements may help, many of the newly recruited teachers fail to stay in the profession after a year or two. At the same time, every year we hear more about the idea of teacher competency testing in order to assure that those charged with this important job really have mastered the needed skills to work with our precious youth. The problem, however, is that no one has developed a test that will really do the job. We need to weed out the fainthearted and those unsuited to the profession, so that we hire and reward those who really have what it takes. The following exam is offered as a first draft of this needed competency test.
Teacher Exam
1.Given a list of 100 names from at least 10 different ethnic origins, pronounce at least 90% correctly at first sight.
2.Given six fidgety pupils, determine which one really has to go to the bathroom and which are just bored because there are no commercial breaks in a 55 minute class.
3.Develop lesson plans (with correctly stated behavioral objectives, carefully matched to the state curriculum frameworks) to keep 120 twelve-year-olds from being bored for each of 180 days.
4.Write lesson plans that take into account time lost for band/chorus practice, training for Future Problem Solvers and Peer Leaders, intercom announcements, fire drills, scoliosis check-ups, eye and hearing exams, school photographs, and assorted assemblies.
5.Develop an answer for “Why do we have to learn this?” for every lesson you plan to teach without saying, “Because I said so.”
6.Given a loose dog (mouse, hamster, bird, or snake) in your room, keep your tone of voice under control and your students’ minds on their math problems.
7.Given a student who’s been absent for three days and asks, ”Did I miss anything?” control the impulse to respond sarcastically with, “Of course not! We waited until you returned to do any important work.”
8.Create a politely worded response to Mr. and Mrs. Jones when they ask you to: a) figure out on February 13th exactly how much curriculum you will cover and what homework will be assigned for a two-week period in March; b) write it down carefully; and c) give it to Johnny so that his family can take their family vacation to Disney World, beginning two days after the end of February school vacation (The waiting lines there are shorter then).
9.Figure out a way to break up a fist fight between two students without a) using undue force, b) attracting a crowd of cheering bloodthirsty onlookers, c) getting kicked or punched in the process, or d) running your stockings.
10.Figure out who (among the 300+ innocent-looking students during your lunch-duty) threw the peas across the room and into Sandra’s hair.
11.Find a tactful but firm way to insist that the girl in the front row of science class put on a tee shirt to cover her bare midriff and newly-developed cleavage, and convince the boy sitting two seats over that boxers were designed to be underwear.
12.Given 30 pupils who have just arrived at school and who need to remove coats, gloves, and scarves, get a drink, go to the bathroom, get their books from their lockers, say “Hello” to a friend down the hall, get a gym excuse signed by the nurse, and given a 15 minute homeroom period, take an accurate attendance, lunch count, collect signed progress reports, field-trip permission slips, and absentee notes, before the Pledge of Allegiance and moment of silence are directed by the office intercom.
13.Given a lab full of antiquated computers that continually freeze, and a class of twenty-five students most of whom need help simultaneously, create a lesson to demonstrate the valuable ways technology can enhance learning without letting any muttered profanities escape your lips.
14.Create a master schedule that allows time for your daily classes, lesson preparation, detentions for misbehaving students, correcting papers, meeting with parents, attending your own child’s sporting events, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and doing laundry without having to make appointments to see your spouse or significant other.
15.In 100 words or less, explain why you thought teaching would be a more rewarding career than waiting tables.
Note: This piece has been only minimally modified since it was first published in September of 1982. Only items 11 and 13 are new to the list. The more things change, the more they remain the same.
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